Mountain of Leaves

For the past month I have been looking at the leaves slowly accumulating in my yard and thinking, "Man! I really should rake those up into a big pile and jump in with Zach! He would love it!" But sometimes, despite the best of intentions, these little daily "I should" fantasies never actually come to fruition.

Until yesterday.

It was a PERFECT fall day. It was sunny, the air was crisp but not biting... a light sweater was totally comfortable. I made some chili and had a little while for it to simmer, and the kitchen looked like a tornado hit it was a mess but as I looked at Zach standing in a perfect beam of sunlight, trapped inside the house (like he is WAY too much), I decided that it was time. No kitchen cleaning right now, no chores right now, nothing but me and my boy, going outside to play in the leaves.

I have been meaning to pick up a rake, but as (once again) the best of intentions don't always get lived out, I found a nice dusty old broom in the garage that would suffice. She was a battered old girl, but she was tough enough to get the job done.

When the leaves first fell they were all in a nice small area under the tree, but the last few windy days had scattered them all over the yard- and we have a BIG yard. So I took my battered broom and started on one side of the yard and swept those babies all into one huge pile. It look a very. long. time. But I got a nice looking pile going, so it was worth it.

The part that makes all of this so completely worth it is also perhaps the most hard to describe. When Zach saw the pile of leaves, I told him he could jump in it. First he kind of scooted around the edge and kicked a few leaves, like he wasn't sure what else to do. So I jumped right in the middle, hoping he would follow my cue. And boy was I right! He jumped straight in the middle of the mountain of leaves we had made, and played in fall leaves for the very first time in his life. There was a moment where in his eyes I saw, ever so briefly, the elation of experiencing something incredibly wonderful for the first time in his life. He looked so excited, so unbelieving, so enchanted and captivated by the wonders of rolling in leaves and having them rain down on him (with mommy's help). His joy was contagious, and I also began reveling in how awesome and fun it was to play in the fall leaves. At one point I laid down on my back in the leaves and breathed in the smell, and while it was so familiar, I realized that I had forgotten what that smelled like. It is different from regular fall air that you smell while walking to your car in the morning on your way to work. It is even different than the smell you get when you rake leaves. No, this smell can only be realized by actually laying amidst them, having them touch your face and get in your hair. It is a smell I remember so acutely from my childhood, but had forgotten so easily in my adulthood. Having children is such a beautiful wonder that brings me back to my childhood. I forgot how alive I used to be.


No.... I just remembered how alive I am.

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the wind longs to play with your hair."

Insignificance.

If I don't take the time to be with God, in his word, in prayer, it is so easy to forget his promises in everyday life. It is so easy to not read my Bible because I'm tired, or whatever other excuse, then time will trickle through my fingers and before I know it days have passed and I'm wondering why I feel so weird, so disconnected, so lame, so insignificant, so unattractive, so unworthy. Without God, I have no purpose and no calling.

So this morning as I was once again, as I have been these past couple weeks, dwelling on the fact that my calling is unclear, I realized this:

Our calling is revealed when we are in a relationship with the one who created us. Of course I don't know my calling- I didn't create myself! God did, and only he knows why. 

I wonder why God hasn't revealed my purpose yet? Hmmm...

To know my calling I must be in a relationship with God.
To be in a relationship with God, I need to devote time.
I need to devote energy.
I need to have love, and I need to sacrifice.
Would I be in love with Dave if he didn't do any of this for me?
What if Dave never took the time to come over to my house, or to call me. What if he always worried about himself and how I could serve him, without caring about what I might need?
What if Dave went day after day without sacrificing anything, without kissing me, without playing with me, without having a sense of humor? What if he was bland and boring, only visiting me out of desperation or an agenda? What if he had to force himself to carve out time- dutifully- to call or come over, just to ask me for favors?

How would I respond?

Luckily, Dave does none of those things. He is very loving and sacrificial, caring and concerned. He's with me out of desire, not out of duty. He calls because he wants to hear my voice, not necessarily because of any other reason. God brought Dave in my life to bring me closer to Him, and to show me what a healthy relationship should look like and how to be in one. And this is what God expects of me in my relationship with Him.

So when all is boiled down, it is clear to me that my feelings of insignificance are a product of my disconnect with God. If I give life to this relationship, nurture it and grow it, I really have faith that I will not ever feel insignificant. I have faith that God's light will shine in me, and that I will be beautiful and worthy and not only significant, but significantly more able to do his work.

That is life's purpose after all, right?

And at last I see the light

There are many beautiful things that remind me of God's love. One of them is music. Another is pretty scenery. Combine the two together and my heart comes alive! I heard a song recently from the movie Tangled, and I fell in love with it. When you understand the words from the perspective of God's love, it is a perfect cusp of love being both completely understood and completely unfathomable. God is the ultimate romancer.

I SEE THE LIGHT

All those days watching from the windows

All those years outside looking in

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here blinking in the starlight

Now I'm here, suddenly I see

Standing here, it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the world is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur

All that time never truly seeing

Things, the way they were

Now she's here shining in the starlight

Now she's here, suddenly I know

If she's here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything is different

Now that I see you

Random Inspiration: An Experience Beyond Thought

"A poem needs understanding through the senses. The point of diving into a lake is not to immediately swim to the shore, but to be in the lake.... to luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not work the lake out, it is an experience beyond thought. Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept mystery." --John Keats, from the movie Bright Star.

Happy Wednesday!

God. Is. Love.

Quote of the Day

"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old." --Ralph Waldo Emerson.

This is the freedom I am fighting for. To not be a slave of my past, but to live a new life in God, radically, so I may come back and know that my past pushed me to the person I am now, and finally be at peace with it. I want the way I live to explain and overlook the old version of me... because I am convinced that the only way we can truly live in Christ's love is through freedom.

                                  It starts today, right now.

And it will start all over again when I wake up. I read somewhere that faith does not renew itself daily. It does not wait for you on the porch like a dog with the Sunday paper in his mouth. You have to make the choice, every day, to live faithfully.

This is what I am striving for.

Coffee, Walks, and Beaches.

Since I have recently re-discovered my passion for writing, I have been feeling the need to just... well, write. I have talked with a couple different people about this, and I'm hearing a lot about needing to not listen to the "inner critic"and how writers tend to flail around for a little bit until something good is produced.

Really, I'm not trying to impress anyone. Writing is a creative outlet for me, and if flailing becomes the norm, so be it. What I'm really trying to do through this is, through reading and writing often, become practiced enough to create my own identity as a writer, and to develop my own unique style. And from that, be able to encourage others and reach others in ways I might not be able to do otherwise.

My mind is so funny. When I was a child I was told I had ADD, but really, I just think my mind moves way too fast for my body to keep up with half the time. I cannot tell you how many ideas get flushed through my brain on any given day. If I got into the habit off keeping a small notepad handy, by the end of the day I would never want for things to write about. The lovely thing about blogging is that I can type really fast, therefore keep up much better with the flow of my thoughts than when I write long-handed. I don't really like having a traffic jam of thoughts in my brain... it kills my inspiration, for some odd reason.....

I was talking with a friend today whose wife is an accomplished creative writer (this woman actually gives writing LESSONS...so cool!) and seeking advice about writing in general. He recommended I read a book that his wife reads with her students, called "Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. The local library here in Lowell didn't have it, which gives me the oppotunity for a Barnes and Noble trip in the not too distant future (YAY!).

On any note, today I am feeling encouraged, close to God, and excited~ because I am finally embarking down a purposeful journey of an interest of my own, and especially because tomorrow I am getting coffee and going for a walk in Fallasburg Park with the lovely Marina Jones, and afterward having a beach day with Dave. Now if I don't have something interesting to write about coming back from a day like that, there is no hope for me...

....but of course I will!!   :)

Freedom

Tonight. I. Am. Free.

Today I woke up with bad thoughts. Today I let life get me down. Today I went to work, and worried. I picked Z up from daycare, and worried some more. I let the enemy keep me in bondage.

Tonight I am free. Tonight I had a conversation with a wonderful woman, and felt loved. Tonight I talked with my love, and felt pursued. Tonight I read and let myself be inspired. Tonight I talked with an old friend, and became hopeful. Tonight I am aware of the ever present truth in my heart that there is a loving, graceful God who is pursuing me ever so passionately, trying to awaken within me the dormant inspiration waiting just under the skin to live radically and openly, and to share the love of Christ tangibly with people that I meet.

O God, let me be like the Sea of Galilee, that I may pour out the blessings you have given me into others, so they might feel hope and that I may remain fresh and pure. Flush out the toxins in my soul so that I might fill a vital role in your Great Commission.

Help me reach others. Help me love others. Help me be brave enough to do the work you placed me here to do.

Tonight I am free.

Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done...

There are three songs currently stuck in my head whose lyrics are becoming intertwined, and are drawing out inspiration. The first song is the title of this post, and the next two are Relient K songs:

"You say you will not dwell on what I did, but rather what I do"

"Who I am hates who I've been"

I have connected, perhaps a little too well, with the meanings of these songs. While simply hearing the lyrics makes me feel like I am not alone in my battle, it still becomes necessary to face some buried brokeness at times. The way I like to do that is by asking myself questions that address my fears directly, such as:

1. Can I emulate the model Christian girl and be authentic?

2. Does living for God now make me a hypocrite because of my past?

3. Will my past always haunt me or do I have the power not to let it?

4. Do I deserve all that God has blessed me with, even though I've sinned? Perhaps worse than others?

5. Do I have to let my past brokenness taint my life now just because I've accepted it?

6. How can I embrace who I was along with who I am, and see the bigger picture of what God is doing and wants done in my life?

The story of one man from scriptures always brings me peace when these questions creep into my mind and attempt to poison my happiness: Paul.

Talk about a broken past. I think the thing about Paul that brings me the most comfort is that God used every part of him for His purpose. God used Paul as a tool to reach non believers BECAUSE of his brokenness!! In Act 9:15, God says about Paul: "Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel." This man, called Saul before his conversion, was a threat to anyone who believed in the Lord. He was an attacker of believers of Jesus, he was a murderer, one who denounced God. Yet God chose him, of all people, to be this key instrument in the Church. He transformed Paul, and transformations spark interest. Brokeness, when given up to God, can be turned into righteousness. You might guess this is why God chose him.

Imagine witnessing Saul before his conversion, in all his brokeness and wrongdoing, then Paul, after the conversion, preaching the Gospel. That would be enough to pique anyone's interest in the Lord! What a comforting thought it is, that God will use our brokeness to futher his kingdom and fulfill His plans for your life. What an honor to let God come into your life and turn you away from all your sin, and place you on a path of rightousness, filled with blessings. It is my belief that while one who lives a good and noble life glorifies God, one who lives a broken life and is transformed by God and lives a new life in Him is equally glorifying.  Paul glorified God immensely, so much so that we are still reading about him and learning from his godly wisdom nearly 2,000 years later.

Saul vs. Paul... there was not a new person, but a radical transformation of the SAME person.

While Paul is Paul, he is also Saul. You can't have one without the other. Paul without Saul would be incomplete... just as anyone living for God that has a broken past. The key is to not let it keep us in bondage. The key to life is giving our sin to God and through believing in what Jesus did for us (more on that later), and letting him use it to transform us, for His glory!!

I am praying tonight for God to use me as His instrument, and to redeem me from my broken past. I give everything to Him, and pray for purposeness through all the valleys of my life, that He may use me to reach others.


Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city...

There is such beauty that blooms from love

My days usually follow somewhat of a routine, even though that is not my preferred method of operating... but it is necessary when one is a single working/schooling mother. Generally, the days come and they go, with plans here and there for the evening and the sporadic dates with Dave. As long as I can coast through the week with some normalcy and consistancy, I am a-okay. But when the unexpected happens, I tend to go into stress mode. That is what happened today. Well, partly anyway.

My day started off odd form the beginning. Due to this week's quarterly meeting upping everyone's hours, my boss decided to cut my hours, leaving me with a short shift today of 10:30-2:30. Dave arrived early to pick up Zach to bring him to daycare, and I decided to putz around the house, since I had some rare quiet time. At quarter to nine my boss called in a panic- apparently she didn't get her own memo about my short shift. Immediately I went into a frazz and hauled my butt into work (without a shower no less), as my dreams for a peaceful morning went out the window.

Once the work day ended, I went to pick up Z from daycare. Usually he hears the 'clip-clop-clip-clop' of my shoes and runs to meet me at his room's half-door. Today, however, I arrived to find him being held and cradled while he was crying! Turns out he wasn't feeling well... at first I wasn't too concerned, though he was acting odd. On the way home he actually fell asleep, which never happens, and once we got home he started crying those 'mom I'm in pain' cries. I called Dave to tell him I was taking Zach to the doc, and he rushed over and drove us there. He was so great, wiping Zachary's nose and keeping me laughing through all the stress of Zachary's much loathed doctor expidentures. An ear infection and bronchitis diagnosis later, we were on our way home, where Dave helped get Zach into bed and unclogged my sink. Yes, he is just that good.

As I am reflecting on the craziness of today, and looking ahead to the craziness and uncertainty of tomorrow and all the school work weighing on my shoulders, I feel at peace knowing that my son is safe in bed and getting better, that my sink is unclogged, and that I am loved by a man so wonderful only God could have dreamt him up and threw him into reality. I am so blessed.

On a side note, there is an elder gentleman that comes into the bank who thinks Zachary is just too stinkin' cute, always asks about him, and occasionally brings in a little gift for me to give him. This last time he brought in a bear that his late wife cherished, and I snapped this picture:

It feels so wonderful to be loved!

I have to title my thoughts? This could take some getting used to...

On a warm summer night about seven months ago, Dave told me I should start a blog. We were walking in a Lowell neighborhood at night, and it was the first night we held hands. I remember wondering why he mentioned that, and took it as a compliment that I might actually have something to say that is interesting. I am generally aware that other people will be reading what I write, so I tend to edit and smooth out the rawness of my words, thinking that there is somebody I have to "be". The result is bland, and this vice keeps me from being authentic in my writing, and that serves no purpose. 

Last night, Dave told me again that I should start a blog. His words were encouraging, and a reminder that I don't need to write for anyone but myself. This is the start of a unique journey for me, as I have never delved deeply into thought for the purpose of writing outside of an academic mindset that comes with editing and revising, which in turn slightly diminishishes the authenticity of my words. My purpose of the writings to come on this blog will be to present the reality of my life, the rawness of my thoughts, and genuine desire of my heart to love.

There are many things that could have followed that last sentence... to love life, to love people, to love God, to love the church, to love purely, to love openly, to love honestly, to love selflessly, to love unconditionally... and all would be fitting. Because I am human, the way I love can be complex and messy... but it can also be simple and pure. I hope to expose all of that, in honesty and reality, from my heart.