There are three songs currently stuck in my head whose lyrics are becoming intertwined, and are drawing out inspiration. The first song is the title of this post, and the next two are Relient K songs:
"You say you will not dwell on what I did, but rather what I do"
"Who I am hates who I've been"
I have connected, perhaps a little too well, with the meanings of these songs. While simply hearing the lyrics makes me feel like I am not alone in my battle, it still becomes necessary to face some buried brokeness at times. The way I like to do that is by asking myself questions that address my fears directly, such as:
1. Can I emulate the model Christian girl and be authentic?
2. Does living for God now make me a hypocrite because of my past?
3. Will my past always haunt me or do I have the power not to let it?
4. Do I deserve all that God has blessed me with, even though I've sinned? Perhaps worse than others?
5. Do I have to let my past brokenness taint my life now just because I've accepted it?
6. How can I embrace who I was along with who I am, and see the bigger picture of what God is doing and wants done in my life?
The story of one man from scriptures always brings me peace when these questions creep into my mind and attempt to poison my happiness: Paul.
Talk about a broken past. I think the thing about Paul that brings me the most comfort is that God used every part of him for His purpose. God used Paul as a tool to reach non believers BECAUSE of his brokenness!! In Act 9:15, God says about Paul: "Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel." This man, called Saul before his conversion, was a threat to anyone who believed in the Lord. He was an attacker of believers of Jesus, he was a murderer, one who denounced God. Yet God chose him, of all people, to be this key instrument in the Church. He transformed Paul, and transformations spark interest. Brokeness, when given up to God, can be turned into righteousness. You might guess this is why God chose him.
Imagine witnessing Saul before his conversion, in all his brokeness and wrongdoing, then Paul, after the conversion, preaching the Gospel. That would be enough to pique anyone's interest in the Lord! What a comforting thought it is, that God will use our brokeness to futher his kingdom and fulfill His plans for your life. What an honor to let God come into your life and turn you away from all your sin, and place you on a path of rightousness, filled with blessings. It is my belief that while one who lives a good and noble life glorifies God, one who lives a broken life and is transformed by God and lives a new life in Him is equally glorifying. Paul glorified God immensely, so much so that we are still reading about him and learning from his godly wisdom nearly 2,000 years later.
Saul vs. Paul... there was not a new person, but a radical transformation of the SAME person.
While Paul is Paul, he is also Saul. You can't have one without the other. Paul without Saul would be incomplete... just as anyone living for God that has a broken past. The key is to not let it keep us in bondage. The key to life is giving our sin to God and through believing in what Jesus did for us (more on that later), and letting him use it to transform us, for His glory!!
I am praying tonight for God to use me as His instrument, and to redeem me from my broken past. I give everything to Him, and pray for purposeness through all the valleys of my life, that He may use me to reach others.
Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city...
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