Use Your Words.

I thought about something interesting today.

Zachary is at the age where he doesn't have a lot of control over his emotions, so it's easy for him to get mad, sad, frustrated, excited, etc. One thing we have been working on lately is trying to get him to communicate his feelings through words instead of actions, crying, or whining. So if Zach is clearly upset about something I will ask him to use his words to tell me about it.

Me: Are you mad?
Zach: mmm hmmph.
Me: Why are you mad?
Zach: *silence*
Me: Zachary, why are you mad?
Zach: Because I want to play with my playdough.
Me: I know you do honey, but it's time to put it away for now so we can eat dinner. Is that okay?
Zach: Okay!

Alright, that last "okay" from Zach is the ideal situation, not always the realistic one. But you get the gist. I am trying to teach Zach to name his emotions, to tell me what he is feeling, and then why. This makes him feel understood and validated, especially when I tell him that it's okay that he's mad. "It's okay to be mad at mommy, but you still have to mind." It just good communication.

As I was making TONS of copies of mortgage papers at work today, I started pondering this whole concept as it applies to adults. Dave and I strive very hard during conflict to label our feelings and then explain how it makes us feel. It eliminates most of the guessing. "When you did (fill in the action), it made me feel hurt and (any other arbitrary adjective)." It sounds elementary but is so effective! Sadly, many many people do not communicate this way. As they become adults, they are taught more manipulative ways to communicate by parents, teachers, peers, coworkers, and just society in general. We spit sarcasm and criticism in hopes it will bring the desired result. Yet with the same breath we are teaching our children to "use their words".

The reality is, with children we must simplify our teachings for them to understand. Children don't understand sarcasm and criticism. They only know what they are feeling, and they can understand why they feel that way when they talk about it. If it makes perfect sense to teach a child to use their words, doesn't it make so much more sense for adults to do the same? To model these teachings FOR our children? Yet again, as with so many other things, the simpler way turns out to be better.

Children might not come with a manual, but in a way they provide one for us, for our lives. Thank you Zachary, for reminding me that life doesn't have to be so complicated... just more contemplated.