Alone, but not lonely.

One thing that I haven't expressed to you yet, I am a total foodie. That is food+junkie. It's not that I love to eat all the time, I just love food. I love cooking it, smelling it, tasting it, looking at it, experimenting with it, and I LOVE feeding people. Tonight it is just me, since Dave is in Florida and Zach is with his dad for a couple hours, so I am spending some time with my darling self. I've got a bottle of wine (to drink and cook with), and I'm making a lemon chicken dish. Yum...

Sometimes, in the midst of my crazy busy life, I can tend to forget how much I love being alone. Not excessively, of course, but just having time to myself to be with myself... to foster my own identity that I have striven so hard to find in the first place, and which is also constantly evolving ever so slightly. I find that if I don't take time to have nights like this once in awhile, I not only miss who I'm becoming, but I start to feel a disconnect with who I am as a woman, apart from my wonderful man, apart from my son, apart from my job and other responsibilities. When that happens, my alter-ego (we'll call her Amelia) steps in and takes over. Amelia gets the job done, because she is fast-paced and hard working. She can also be frazzled, bland, and easily irritated. Sometimes she only stops in to do the laundry and dishes and leaves, and other times she hangs around for longer. Sometimes she stays all day, so sneaky-like that I don't even realize it. One thing I know is that when Amelia is around, Lindsay, for the most part, is not. It isn't until things start to slow down and simplify a bit that Lindsay, the real me, feels comfortable enough to let her hair down, change into some comfortable pants, and reveal any true authenticity.

Maybe this is just the season of life I'm in, these last few months before I become a married woman, where I'm still a single mom trying to work almost every day of the week, plus take care of my son, plus spend quality time with my wonderful man. Some days it's just hard to do everything well, and still be my free spirited relaxed self. That is why occasional alone time for me is so important. I remember things about myself that I normally don't even think about, like how much I love to cook, read, or do crafts. It's not just about doing things I like to do, it's about the feeling I get when I'm genuinely enjoying my own company. It's a feeling of wholeness, of security, and of peace. It is a remembrance that I am enough. For crying out loud, it reminds me that I like... no, love who I am. It sounds so simple, but feels so powerful.

So tonight it's just me, and I'm lovin' it. No agenda, Frank Sinatra on the radio, good food, and good company.