What I Didn't Realize

I had sort of an epiphany today.

On the way home from picking Z up from preschool the song Mighty To Save came on the radio. Just listening to it I was fine, but when I started singing I started crying. So I stopped singing. Then I stopped crying. Odd. Starting singing again, started crying again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Interesting.

I started pondering why certain Christian songs make me cry. I thought about how I have been crying way easier since I've been a mom. And I suppose since I've been a Christian, too. Then I thought, that's it! I cry easily when singing because in that moment my redemption is so tangible. Of all the hurt I've been through, mistakes I've made, doubts and insecurities I've had, God is the be-all end-all of my life. He has saved me from the hell of a life I didn't even realize I was living until I was on the other side. Thinking about that more deeply, it boggles my mind that in all reality, I truly didn't realize how hurt I was! If you would have asked me then, I would have said my life was just fine, thank you very much. It was one of those "ignorance is bliss" things. One of those "don't know what you're missing" things. Now that I live under the banner of God's love, I am overwhelmed with joy when His spirit is moving in me and I can see how wonderful he has made my life.

But it's not only the blessings. It's what God has done within my heart that is the most powerful. He has given me strength and security. Yes my life is wonderful because he has blessed it, but even without all his blessings, there is an immovable peace inside me that comes only from knowing and trusting in Him. He alone is enough. I am resting in that truth today.

Lindsay

Handsome Little Boy

Today a good friend of mine who does awesome photography snapped some pictures of Zachary for his 3 year old pictures. It was a perfect fall day out, sunny, windy, leaves everywhere... just beautiful. Here are a few of my favorites!

I just love the expression in his eyes in these pictures! I am so in love with this little man so full of life. Pure joy. Wow.

Lindsay

Finding a New Dream

Her: "I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?" 

Him: "It will be."

Her: "And what if it is? What do I do then?"

Him: "Well, that's the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream."

Have you ever experienced your life's dream? Maybe you dream of traveling Europe, swimming in the ocean, finding love in the oddest place, buying a dream house... On May 11th of this year, my dream came true. Once I passed the age of innocence I never dreamed of marriage as a possibility for me. God has obviously changed my heart, and here I am, a very happily, and in the words of Audrey Hepburn, "very married" woman. But there is something scary about your dream coming true, because well... then what? Those of us who believe in God's eternal blessing through Jesus know we have good things awaiting us after this life... but what do we do until then? Tonight I found the inspiration I didn't even know I was looking for. I don't have to stop dreaming just because my dream came true. I get to go find a new one.

Lindsay

"I Have Endured Her Exaltation Again and Again..."

My mom reminded me today of how different my life is now than it was even two years ago. Thinking back on it, God has worked some majorly awesome blessings into play, and I just can't get over how awesome He's lead my life. I was feeling pretty good thinking about it, and then I remembered something. I remember a particular time in my life not too long ago where I was looking at the life of another woman who had "very little to distress or vex her" in the length of her perfectly seeming life. I remember feeling confused and hurt, asking God why he allowed me to endure certain sufferings while this woman didn't. Why did I have to lose my spark, my innocence, my freedom and joy in painful experiences and grieving while she didn't? Now I know, because God is laying it on my heart ever so gently, that I did not lose any of those things, that though the enemy tries to take them from me he cannot because they are God-given and mine to keep. But at the time, each new bit of information about how "awesome" her life was spiraled my pain a little deeper into my heart. Please don't misunderstand me, I was not feeling ill-willed toward her and I know she deserves nothing but goodness in life. It upset me because I saw in her the person I wanted to be but thought I could never be because I had something deep within taken from me. Security. Have you ever felt that? Interestingly enough, I'm learning that God really can recover anything "lost" and renew me completely. It's a continual process and I need constant reminding, and I'm so happy that God doesn't get burned out. He wills me to be free and joyful and secure, and he will stop at nothing to fight for that for me. That's what I'm feeling today.

 Lindsay