Running Mad

In past posts here and here I have made my love and influence of Jane Austen no secret. She is without a doubt my favorite author, and I am often overwhelmed by her beautiful sayings and easy contemplation of humanity. She was so passionate. I have also mentioned that I have seen all her movies and may or may not know the entire 2005 Pride and Prejudice by heart. Especially the rain scene. Oh, the rain scene! And I may or may not have binged on the 6 hour long version of P&P to the point where I look up at the clock and literally think in my head, " 'tis but ten after two!" in a British accent. But it's all good. If you are not an Austen fan, there really is no way to describe the love I have for her work. And if you are an Austen fan, you get it. Anyway.

Somehow, her book-made-movie Mansfield Park (1999) eluded me for the longest time. I think I watched it a couple years back a few times, but only recently started really watching it to pick up the nuances (which is my favorite thing about her stories and why I can watch the films over and over). Over the past couple months I have watched Mansfield Park a handful of times and only this last time while watching it with Dave did I pick up an extraordinary line that I had somehow missed during the previous viewings, a line repeated three different times in the movie that really tie the whole thing together, but somehow easily brushed aside if you aren't paying close attention.

 "Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint." 

Me, immediately after finally hearing it:

"Oh, be still my heart. What did she just say? Wait- is that what she said in the window scene? Omigosh- THAT is what she was whispering to her sister in the first scene! Where's my phone- pause it quick- I need to google this!"

"Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint."

This is actually a quote from another Austen novel Love and Friendship, but was quoted in Mansfield Park. In Love and Friendship, a satirical romance novel, Sophia is gravely ill and on her deathbed because of a "fatal swoon", or a fainting fit over a lover. She warns her friend Laura that fainting is dangerous business- it would be better to run around in a frenzy, and at least then you might get some exercise and do your body good.

So how I would paraphrase it is this: Life presses in on you, and sometimes the pressure is so great that you feel like buckling, or fainting. But don't do that! Fight the good fight, run in circles, distract yourself radically, do whatever you need to do to get yourself right again, but don't give in. Don't ever give in!

I think this is a pretty universally applicable quote to most people because we all face trials, but I found it relevant in my life as it pertains to motherhood. Let's get real- motherhood is a tough job. And not because it is hard work, but because sometimes it feels inescapable. I actually find much joy and fulfillment in being with my boys all day, taking care of them and keeping the home. Even though sometimes I feel inadequate, alone in my struggles, guilty about this or that, or that I am somehow failing my family, there are many more times of confidence, joy and peace. But the truth is, sometimes I need an escape! Not necessarily to get out of the house, just to focus my mind elsewhere, to dive into a creative outlet. This blog does that for me, and I also enjoy many other things like crafts, organizing and reading. But like the one lady says, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Especially when you're a mom with littles in tow. 

So here is a short story to wrap this all up. A couple days ago, Dave encouraged me to get out of the house for a couple hours by myself. When that happens I usually default to the too-many-things-i-could-possibly-do-and-I-can't-decide-so-I-will-just-do-nothing mentality. Which, in theory is kind of like "fainting", right? So I said NO. I am going to do something awesome! 

I went to hobby lobby, which could have turned out bad because I am so ADD in that place. I pulled out my phone and found a pinterest project and spent the next hour and a half "running mad" through that store picking out all the pieces of a pretty wreath I wanted to make for our front door. I ran through buckets of rain with my goods back to the car, drove home, and MADE THAT WREATH IN AN HOUR. If you know me, this is no small feat. And yes, I was alone with the kids and it was right before dinner. Oh, did I mention I had to pull out half our storage to get my glue gun out of my craft box, stuff it all back in, pull it all out again to find some twine, then stuff it all back in again? Yea that happened. From the gated living room my kids surely saw shreds of burlap flying through the air in my whirlwind chaos of getting this thing done. I wasn't trying to do it fast, I was just loving it so much that I couldn't stop. So once I finished I grabbed both boys to help me hang it on our door, and as I stood there admiring it Zach told me it was "beautiful like me". He is such a treasure. 

The rest of  the night was so easy and peaceful, and I felt so filled that I was able to do something for myself that I truly enjoyed, and our family also will benefit from the little details that make our house a home. Now when I look at this wreath, it serves as a reminder of Jane Austen's wisdom to choose chaos over quitting. Chaos really can be beautiful.

"Run like mad as often as you choose, but do not faint."