Cray.
I have been excited to turn 30 since my early twenties when I entered the "professional workforce" and wasn't taken seriously. I have worked with a lot of difficult people... but we'll save that can of worms for another time. Now approaching the next decade of my life, I have been reflecting often on what I have learned and how I have changed, and am growing in a freer season of acceptance.
My twenties have a lot of life packed into them. So many firsts: apartment, house, child, degree, "real job". Marriage. Second child. Finding God. Making lifelong friends (I have no doubt!). Then there are the littler things. I find much beauty in the subtle changes over the years, such as my homekeeping style and sense of fashion. Different things that move me. Better understanding of myself reflected in the way I relate to and communicate with others.
The really neat thing about the age I am at is that it seems as though I am on the cusp of young naivety and a more seasoned youth. I have discovered so much about myself and the world these past nine years, and I suppose one of my favorite things I have learned, and am continuing to learn, is how to relax peacefully into who I am. I have made a lot of mistakes, some one time and some multiple times, and through that have learned a lot about my character traits and also how to more effectively guide myself through certain issues and seasons. I am getting better at looking at myself objectively, which has been an incredibly wonderful paradigm shift. I am finding that the better I know myself the better I can take care of myself (and others), be gentle when I make mistakes, and forgive.
Learning how to forgive has been an essential part of my growth, compounded by the equally important skill of letting go of guilt. My mom guilt and adventurous spirit are often at odds. When my days consist of caring for babes, laundry and dishes, each day feeling so similar to the one previous, time seems to pass in monotonous and mundane living. And it is hard on my adventurous heart.
However... I find that after some time passes, I look back and realize that a lot is actually changing in me, even through the sameness of all the days. Every so often, during reflection, I will realize that I have a new bud of passion stirring in my heart that could have been inspired by the oddest thing out of nowhere, such as a melody or even a simple summer breeze. Similar to the way I feel nostalgic about certain smells and sounds because of the memories they bring, so I also seem to own a sort of reverse nostalgia in which my senses react to something they never have before, giving me a thrill of excitement and longing for the future, as if I have grown without realizing it and am being gently ushered forward into refreshing new terrain.
I am learning that motherhood and adventure are not mutually exclusive. I suppose I am starting to define adventure in a way I never have before, a more eternal way that involves the mind and the heart more than the experience at face value. The way I think and feel about what I experience is what makes life grander more than what I actually experience. And I am realizing more every day that when I infuse love into every thought and action, everything is just better.
With much help from God and my dear husband, I am learning the art of self love. I am becoming more comfortable with doing things for myself without feeling guilty (which can be a hard feat when you're a mom, am I right?). Getting a pedicure feels SO nice once in awhile. Taking a bubble bath when my little one is napping and the older is watching a movie. Putting off switching the laundry over for 10 minutes so I can paint my toenails a pretty spring orange that will bring me joy each time I look down. Saying yes to all these little things makes a positive difference in my life that spreads to my husband and children.
Self love is building quiet confidence within me. With this confidence is coming a sense of freedom to securely accept and enjoy who I am and explore interests and just love life. It feels like I'm really coming into my own. After all the ups and downs of my twenties, all the insecurity and all the hard lessons, the good times and laughter, the blood sweat and tears and battles I've fought have brought me to where I am now, to a place where I can say not only am I living and loving and learning, but I feel so alive. If ten years can do all this, I can't wait for the next ten. Here's to looking at you, 30.
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